I spoke, and they heard me not
Well well well well well...
So. I can't afford cable. Or at least that's what I thought. But what do I know? I'm just a lowly consumer.
The bill was 2 weeks late, and I was still as broke as a Saigon Poker champion.
I decided I'd better call the old cable dudes up and tell them there was no money coming from this house.
and so, with a ringy ding ding, I was connected to someone.
"Hello, this is Christina. I'm here to prove to you beyond a shadow of a doubt that you can afford cable. Job, after he lost all his cattle and children, and got boils, still could afford cable. And not basic local cable. We're talkin HBO, and STARZ and..."
(I have to interupt this story, because I just saw a one armed man. He lives across the street. I never even knew there was a one armed man just a stone's throw away from my house. Hey, that gives me an idea...)
Now that we're through with that, back to the story at hand...
"... Comedy Central, and E, and VH1, and MTV, and all that great rubbish. He had no cash, so we accepted payment from him in the form of decorative potschards with paintings on them. If you have no cash, we can let you have cable for 2 years, at the end of which we come and collect payment in the form of one of your kidneys. Or you could get the 10 year plan; you get everything I mentioned for 10 years, and we take your first born son."
I get confused easily, I don't like confrontation. I'm allergic to strangers. She kept talking. She kept lowering prices. She kept giving me more and more and more. And all she wanted in return was $45.05 a month. She even reduced the bill I owed her from $130.00 to $87.07. I almost cried. She was so nice and wonderful to me. I didn't deserve this kind of person. Or cable. But I accepted it anyways.
Than, a week later, (that's today) I realized that when I said I couldn't afford it, I meant it. I paid the bill I owed them of $87.07, and gave them a call.
"listen, I realize how much sacrafice and blood and sweat you put into fiving me all the channels I could possibly care for, and even about 115 that I couldn't possibly care for, and ask only $45.05 in return. I realize you should get some sort of peace prize for this noble work you do, of sending out some pittance of shelter and sedation from the evils of reality. But, in my present condition, with my present check book, I can no longer support your noble cause."
"Excuse me while I transfer you to the correct agent."
"Hello this is Marsha."
"Marsha? These calls are recorded for assurance of acceptable service, right? well, could you just play back what I just said, because it was to long to repeat."
*pause*
"so, mister Hulter, you can't even afford $45.05 a month? Well, than I guess we have no other option than to give you next month free."
"Um, thank you. I'm sorry I doubted your humanitarian cause. I should have known you would find a way for me to stay as one of your people..."
It's just such a beautiful thing.
It's kinda wierd to. a week ago I was $130.00 in debt, and now I get a month of free cable. And not just basic local cable. We're talkin expanded cable, HBO, and STARZ, and Comedy Central, and E, and VH1, and MTV, and all that great rubbish..
I love how they make me feel so victorious, as if I've just won an amazing prize, when I'm still paying to have my time wasted...
dam.
Charlie Brown would get raped if he were real.
So. I can't afford cable. Or at least that's what I thought. But what do I know? I'm just a lowly consumer.
The bill was 2 weeks late, and I was still as broke as a Saigon Poker champion.
I decided I'd better call the old cable dudes up and tell them there was no money coming from this house.
and so, with a ringy ding ding, I was connected to someone.
"Hello, this is Christina. I'm here to prove to you beyond a shadow of a doubt that you can afford cable. Job, after he lost all his cattle and children, and got boils, still could afford cable. And not basic local cable. We're talkin HBO, and STARZ and..."
(I have to interupt this story, because I just saw a one armed man. He lives across the street. I never even knew there was a one armed man just a stone's throw away from my house. Hey, that gives me an idea...)
Now that we're through with that, back to the story at hand...
"... Comedy Central, and E, and VH1, and MTV, and all that great rubbish. He had no cash, so we accepted payment from him in the form of decorative potschards with paintings on them. If you have no cash, we can let you have cable for 2 years, at the end of which we come and collect payment in the form of one of your kidneys. Or you could get the 10 year plan; you get everything I mentioned for 10 years, and we take your first born son."
I get confused easily, I don't like confrontation. I'm allergic to strangers. She kept talking. She kept lowering prices. She kept giving me more and more and more. And all she wanted in return was $45.05 a month. She even reduced the bill I owed her from $130.00 to $87.07. I almost cried. She was so nice and wonderful to me. I didn't deserve this kind of person. Or cable. But I accepted it anyways.
Than, a week later, (that's today) I realized that when I said I couldn't afford it, I meant it. I paid the bill I owed them of $87.07, and gave them a call.
"listen, I realize how much sacrafice and blood and sweat you put into fiving me all the channels I could possibly care for, and even about 115 that I couldn't possibly care for, and ask only $45.05 in return. I realize you should get some sort of peace prize for this noble work you do, of sending out some pittance of shelter and sedation from the evils of reality. But, in my present condition, with my present check book, I can no longer support your noble cause."
"Excuse me while I transfer you to the correct agent."
"Hello this is Marsha."
"Marsha? These calls are recorded for assurance of acceptable service, right? well, could you just play back what I just said, because it was to long to repeat."
*pause*
"so, mister Hulter, you can't even afford $45.05 a month? Well, than I guess we have no other option than to give you next month free."
"Um, thank you. I'm sorry I doubted your humanitarian cause. I should have known you would find a way for me to stay as one of your people..."
It's just such a beautiful thing.
It's kinda wierd to. a week ago I was $130.00 in debt, and now I get a month of free cable. And not just basic local cable. We're talkin expanded cable, HBO, and STARZ, and Comedy Central, and E, and VH1, and MTV, and all that great rubbish..
I love how they make me feel so victorious, as if I've just won an amazing prize, when I'm still paying to have my time wasted...
dam.
Charlie Brown would get raped if he were real.
posted by Monkeyhands at 4:08 PM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home